Why it isn't such a good idea…

to have a dragon as your spouse

Photo credit: 20th Century Fox Pictures

No wonder you never wondered about this probability. Apart from the fact that there are hardly any dragons available to fall in love with, it is equally unlikely that they will like our presence anywhere near them; except their insides.

Even if one circumvents these improbabilities and settles down with a good-looking and lovable dragon, there are inherent issues with this kind of a union.

Firstly, due to population explosion in most big cities, it is very difficult for a dragon’s spouse to find an affordable dwelling that is spacious enough for his big loved one. These pigeon holes that your agent calls flats are inadequate for a pigeon, let alone a human-dragon couple. Not to mention how your friends and family or your neighbourhood will react on seeing a fire-breathing monster (do not read “wife”) among themselves.

Language is another barrier that may hamper in your partner’s mingling in your social circle. Although, we have no scientific proof to assume that dragons can’t speak any of the present day languages recognized by UN. Male partners, around the world, are of the view that most of the times, it really doesn't matter what she is saying. When angry, she will say things that even your 10GB external hard disk can't remember. When happy, listening or talking is the last thing on your mind. For sheer objectivity, men can be equally illegible once drunk, with tobacco full mouth or when scolding their offspring. Fathers can be really funny when angry but that topic requires a separate space of its own.

[Disclaimer: Firstly, this is the world's first disclaimer that appears in the middle of a write-up but not necessarily the first one that serves no apparent purpose. Back to the disclaimer, never being party to a consensual relationship even once, the author depends on testimonials of the dear ones, widespread stereotypes & rumours and true to heart whims. So, any anomaly in the statements, above or below, will hardly be of any help in case a reader chooses to sue the alien who writes this blog as my ghost writer. Please catch him/it/her/whatever]

Linguistic barriers and space constraints aside, a very real problem is that of the uncertainty of their temper and its effect on you. For example, one occasionally comes across news of an angry woman getting rid of her anger along with its cause which in most cases is her now late husband or boyfriend. This kind of ‘final solution’ is a rarity with the huge number of men who actually get away with minor injuries and charring and slashing… of their egos and bank balance. In case of a dragon partner, you don’t really get enough time to reason or as they say, make excuses. One second, you are a guilty man, the other, you are ash on the floor. Although there are men who would argue that they will prefer this one time ash-making to being subject to the same fiery outbursts every day.

to have a shape-shifter as your colleague

For simplicity sake we will use colleague as a common term for anyone with whom you spend time during your work hours, be it your classmate, your boss or your cell mate.

Mystique from X-Men movie franchise. It's not Jennifer
Lawrence who plays Mystique in First Class but Mystique
who played Rebecca Romjin in earlier X Men Series

To the uninitiated, shape-shifter roughly translates as ‘ichchhadhaari’ in Hindi though the term is commonly associated with a certain breed of snakes in India, detailed literature of which is exclusively found in Bollywood scripts. Shape-shifters can take any form in order to deceive fellow beings or guard themselves against difficult situations. However, these should not be confused with backstabbers, turncoats and politicians. Interestingly, many unscientific, unreliable and unpublished studies suggest that there has to be a missing link between shape-shifters and everyone else mentioned above.

Remember Mystique? One of the most lethal and long standing loyalists of team Magneto in the X-Men franchise, Mystique’s shape-shifting abilities can be a nightmare for any office. She can morph herself into you and promise your boss to complete an assignment by the end of day! Isn’t that devastating? How about spilling hot coffee on your client followed with a hearty laugh? Won’t it be an end to your career?

Avoiding shape-shifters’ ire, the author must speak on their behalf too. Shape-shifters may look cool and even prove useful if taken care of. If you are confident of your shape-shifting colleague’s intentions and his professional credentials, you can send him/ her to an interview on your behalf while you work at your office or ask him to sleep in your room while you party all night long with your ‘friend’. Films, though, have taught us that anyone who looks like you should not be trusted. A clarification, it doesn’t mean that you cannot be trusted too, just because you look like yourself. Life’s paradox!!

to have a serial killer as your domestic help

Anthony Hopkins in The Silence of the lambs-
A lo tof thought goes into
deciding who what to cook for the next meal

The fundamental question to ask here is (as Pappu would ask) why on earth would anybody have a psycho domestic help?

To which the author would say, aren’t you a bit late in asking that question, son? Giving charge of a kitchen to a criminal can’t be as horrifying as giving a country’s charge to one. And, you are not actually helping, so shut up and face the wall!

A crazy domestic help is not a problem as per say as long as he doesn’t serve you, you in dinner. Furthermore, no matter how adventurous you are or how many bets you have won in gulping exotic foods, cannibalism never occurred to you as a preferred dietary practice, right?

More difficult than being served with taboo food is all the explaining one has to do for strange, unexplained disappearances in one’s locality.

The only positive that emerges from having a ‘Dexter’-ous help at home is that you learn to be patient. No matter how bad his culinary skills are or whether he forgets to wash your car in the morning, you won’t think of getting mad at him. Because, he might regret later but you won’t be there to forgive him.