Why it isn't such a good idea…
to have a dragon as your spouse
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| Photo credit: 20th Century Fox Pictures |
No wonder you never wondered about this
probability. Apart from the fact that there are hardly any dragons available to
fall in love with, it is equally unlikely that they will like our presence
anywhere near them; except their insides.
Even if one circumvents these
improbabilities and settles down with a good-looking and lovable dragon, there
are inherent issues with this kind of a union.
Firstly, due to population explosion in
most big cities, it is very difficult for a dragon’s spouse to find an affordable
dwelling that is spacious enough for his big loved one. These pigeon holes that
your agent calls flats are inadequate for a pigeon, let alone a human-dragon
couple. Not to mention how your friends and family or your neighbourhood will
react on seeing a fire-breathing monster (do not read “wife”) among themselves.
Language is another barrier that may
hamper in your partner’s mingling in your social circle. Although, we have no
scientific proof to assume that dragons can’t speak any of the present day languages
recognized by UN. Male partners, around the world, are of the view that most of the times, it really doesn't matter what she is saying. When angry, she will say things that even your 10GB external hard disk can't remember. When happy, listening or talking is the last thing on your mind. For sheer objectivity, men can be equally illegible once drunk, with tobacco full mouth or when scolding their offspring. Fathers can be really funny when angry but that topic requires a separate space of its own.
[Disclaimer: Firstly, this is the world's first disclaimer that appears in the middle of a write-up but not necessarily the first one that serves no apparent purpose. Back to the disclaimer, never being party to a consensual relationship even once, the author depends on testimonials of the dear ones, widespread stereotypes & rumours and true to heart whims. So, any anomaly in the statements, above or below, will hardly be of any help in case a reader chooses to sue the alien who writes this blog as my ghost writer. Please catch him/it/her/whatever]
Linguistic barriers and space
constraints aside, a very real problem is that of the uncertainty of their
temper and its effect on you. For example, one occasionally comes across news
of an angry woman getting rid of her anger along with its cause which in most
cases is her now late husband or boyfriend. This kind of ‘final solution’ is a
rarity with the huge number of men who actually get away with minor injuries and charring and slashing… of their egos and bank balance. In case of a dragon
partner, you don’t really get enough time to reason or as they say, make
excuses. One second, you are a guilty man, the other, you are ash on the floor. Although there are men who would argue that they will prefer this one time ash-making to being
subject to the same fiery outbursts every day.
to have a shape-shifter as your
colleague
For simplicity sake we will use
colleague as a common term for anyone with whom you spend time during your work
hours, be it your classmate, your boss or your cell mate.
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Mystique from X-Men movie franchise. It's not Jennifer
Lawrence who plays Mystique in First Class but Mystique
who played Rebecca Romjin in earlier X Men Series |
To the uninitiated, shape-shifter
roughly translates as ‘ichchhadhaari’ in Hindi though the term is commonly
associated with a certain breed of snakes in India, detailed literature of
which is exclusively found in Bollywood scripts. Shape-shifters can take any
form in order to deceive fellow beings or guard themselves against difficult
situations. However, these should not be confused with backstabbers, turncoats
and politicians. Interestingly, many unscientific, unreliable and unpublished
studies suggest that there has to be a missing link between shape-shifters and
everyone else mentioned above.
Remember Mystique? One of the most
lethal and long standing loyalists of team Magneto in the X-Men franchise,
Mystique’s shape-shifting abilities can be a nightmare for any office. She can
morph herself into you and promise your boss to complete an assignment by the
end of day! Isn’t that devastating? How about spilling hot coffee on your
client followed with a hearty laugh? Won’t it be an end to your career?
Avoiding shape-shifters’ ire, the
author must speak on their behalf too. Shape-shifters may look cool and even
prove useful if taken care of. If you are confident of your shape-shifting
colleague’s intentions and his professional credentials, you can send him/ her
to an interview on your behalf while you work at your office or ask him to
sleep in your room while you party all night long with your ‘friend’. Films,
though, have taught us that anyone who looks like you should not be trusted. A
clarification, it doesn’t mean that you cannot be trusted too, just because you
look like yourself. Life’s paradox!!
to have a serial killer as your
domestic help
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Anthony Hopkins in The Silence of the lambs-
A lo tof thought goes into
deciding who what to cook for the next meal |
The fundamental question to ask here is
(as Pappu would ask) why on earth would anybody have a psycho domestic help?
To which the author would say, aren’t
you a bit late in asking that question, son? Giving charge of a kitchen to a
criminal can’t be as horrifying as giving a country’s charge to one. And, you
are not actually helping, so shut up and face the wall!
A crazy domestic help is not a problem
as per say as long as he doesn’t serve you, you in dinner. Furthermore, no
matter how adventurous you are or how many bets you have won in gulping exotic
foods, cannibalism never occurred to you as a preferred dietary practice, right?
More difficult than being served with
taboo food is all the explaining one has to do for strange, unexplained disappearances in
one’s locality.
The only positive that emerges from having a ‘Dexter’-ous
help at home is that you learn to be patient. No matter how bad his culinary
skills are or whether he forgets to wash your car in the morning, you won’t
think of getting mad at him. Because, he might regret later but you
won’t be there to forgive him.
