A White Paper on Classification of Your Facebook Fauna

After days of research, visits to rehabilitation centres (including a few personal ones) and contemplation, yours truly has finally arrived on these final classifications.

It should be noted that the author of this study has focussed on just your friends and not those who still await your action on their friend requests or are stalking through other modern-day inventions like watsap.

So here we go- aaho!

The selfie guy- not restricted to posting selfies, his posts and pictures are very personal with hardly anyone on his list of 2,000 friends really concerned if his second cousin had a third baby last year.

Hindi script guy- He will exclusively write in Devnagri script no matter how many of his friends' systems can read Hindi fonts. An idealist in virtual world, only a dead skunk in a pit of rotten eggs yolks can match up to his real self.

The dormant guy: He is either too busy or too dumb to think of anything to say as he knows that silence is the fool's best cover.

The 360 degree social guy- With Instagram, Twitter handle and his Quora account as active as Facebook, there is no stopping him. A nerd at best, he hardly has time for anyone in the real world. Real world is actually a drag for him.

The perpetual whiner- His status updates usually start with "Some people.." and will leave others guessing who is the idiot talking about now?

His sister- self motivating girl- Same DNA, she will try to hide her true whining nature with jpegs of famous quotes-funny and boring 

Sharekhan- Does nothing except sharing links of news and videos- Beware. He is faster than your thought. He just has to click a share button and you are left with hundred new useless notifications.

I-am-shitting guy- The guy wants you to know if his bowels are moving. Need one say more? Foursquare is his latest tool of choice and the 360 degree social guy is his best buddy and a competitor. He is a Bigg Boss of his own world, broadcasting his life to the unsuspecting janta till his snores wake up his neighbours but come as a relief to his friends on social channels -

A subspecies of Iamshitting guy is Iamwatching guy, who wants you to know every film or episode he watches. Why would anyone be interested in what he is watching-except other Iamwatching guys- is beyond the scope of this white paper and the author's interest.

The gamer- He played Farmville, moved on to Criminal Case and now irritates everyone with requests for 'life' in Candy crush every minute. Now he checks his Facebook for non-gaming purposes only when his smartphone's battery is down.

Opinion guy- He will comment on anything and everything because he has a view

His enemy and probably everyone else's is...

The Political idiot- His status updates are highly opinionated, biased and garnished with high doses of venom against his victims. In  a month or two, most of his friends tend to stop notifications from him (or unfollow him) to retain sanity and not commit homicide.

The reader must be cautioned that all the characteristics explained above, in no way, are found in isolation and are mostly found in different ratios in all your friends on social and to some extent, in you too. 

With this, we come to the end of a long journey. The reader may think that it's all made up and no studies were done and doubt the existence of an actual copyright for these results. Well, no one is stopping you nor did anyone stop me. 

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